I am going to be the winner of the zombie apocalypse

For some reason or another, I have decided that the world is going to end soonish, so I have been preparing myself for the eminent battle with the hordes of zombies I will obviously be fighting. I've starting walking every day (because running takes a lot more effort and I don't have time for effort, besides zombies are only slightly more coordinated than moss anyway so it's not like I'm going to have to move very fast to get away from them), punching my little brother's punching bag, and storing a mental arsenal full of weapons that I'm positive that I will someday master. I am assuming my zombie-killing days will go something like this:
Elaborate plans have been made for how me and brother shall escape the apocalyptic wasteland that Norman will no doubt become. I am convinced that not only will I not die, I will become King Of The World and everyone will call me "Tafa The Conqueror Of All Things Mighty But Not As Mighty As She Is". I have a vivid montage in my head of how someday all the world will look at me and say "That is one BAMF king of everything."

Stage 1 Of My Plan For Survival And Domination:

For this I shall have to acquire a knowledge of all things that I can possibly use for a weapon. Machetes, hand guns, grenades, baseball bats, hockey sticks, butcher knives, and anything else I can possibly think of. If I can train my pets to kill zombies for me, I'll do that too.

That is what pure bad-assery looks like.

Stage 2 Of My Plan For Survival And Domination:

I have to get a house boat. Zombies cannot swim and that is a hard fact. I also have to figure out some way to get electricity and internet on that boat, so that I can update you guys on how hardcore I am at surviving and being King of the Water. I will catch fish for food and may occasionally venture onto dry land to procure lady products and juice and corndogs.

Speaking of corndogs, here's two that I painted David Bowie's face on with mustard:
You're welcome.

Anyway, that didn't have anything to do with how I'm going to live on a boat when zombies attack, but it seemed important at the time.

Yeah, so, this is what I imagine my life as a river-bound loner to be:
Yes. It will be a cake made of superiority and rainbows and unicorns.


Where was this going again? Oh yeah. I was raging through the apocalypse in a blazing glory of flame and victory.

Stage 3:

I beat up zombies left and right and prove my ultimate kingliness to all of man-kind so they have no choice but to declare me "Super Awesome Leader Of All Things". When they see how super bad-ass I am, they will be all like "Oh, whoa, Tafa is so amazing!" And like the modest person I am, I'll be all, "Oh, I'm not that great. I just killed ten thousand zombies with my bare hands is all..." And then they'll give me a crown and I can make them do stuff, like getting me chocolate covered potato chips and doing my laundry.

THE END

You will have to pardon this, I wrote this while sleep-deprived and I wanted the world to know that I'm awesome.