Life story number one

Ever since I was little, I have had an irrational fear of public restrooms.
I simply couldn't pee when there was anyone else in the room, but I didn't want to be by myself when the toilet monsters came up from the depths of the sewer to feed on my flesh. This usually left me torn between the need to not let anyone know that I peed, or have the security of another person that would rescue me from would-be attackers.

Eventually, I settled on waiting until someone started the hand-dryer and I could urinate without freaking out.

Before I got this tactic down, however, I had decided to brave the monster-infested bathrooms in favor of not letting anyone hear me pee. I waited until I was positive that every last living thing was out of the bathroom before I would relieve myself.

This caused some problems for me, primarily because it made my parents think that I had been kidnapped more times than one. I remember one incident in particular.

I was about five or six, I think, and I was at my dad's work while they were having some kind of diabetes party (my dad is a nutritionist.) I drank too much punch (it was sugar free and tasted like strawberry tears, but I was five so what did I care?) and I asked my dad where the bathroom was. He pointed it out to me, and I went to it hastily. I was not prepared for what I saw in there.

This bathroom was huge. Maybe that's just because I remember it from a two-and-a-half foot perspective, but I have never seen a larger bathroom before or since. I was in awe. It was the greatest or worst thing I had ever seen. It was a really nice bathroom, but about half of the stalls were filled with legs. I went to one stall, climbed on top of the toilet so no one would know I was there (because I still knew that people would be suspicious of two tiny kid legs under a bathroom stall for who knows how long) and waited. I waited until I heard the first toilet flush, and then the second. Third, forth, fifth... Footsteps. "Shit," I think. "What do people think they're doing, invading on my pee time? I'm never going to pee! My bladder will explode and monsters will eat my remains! I AM GOING TO DIE!!!"

This went on for about thirty minutes, and I am not even joking. I was about to pee myself, but I wasn't about to do it in front of the three other people in the bathroom, so I was going to hold it, because I was a viking of peeing.
I don't know exactly how long I was in the bathroom, but I know it was longer than thirty minutes, and eventually my dad got worried. I guess he thought I was caught by a pedophile serial killer rapist that was also a dragon on my massive excursion to the bathroom. He looked all over, and eventually found someone who saw me go into the bathroom and as far as she knew I hadn't come out yet.

To my never ending embarrassment, my dad came in and very loudly yelled:
I was mortified. Beyond embarrassed. I would never be able to show my face to the outside world again.

I meekly replied, "Yeah, daddy, I'm here..."

"What are you doing?"

"Waiting to pee..."

It was then I heard an exasperated sigh and my dad said "Well, hurry, we need to go soon..."

And I replied, "Okay."

It still took me ten minutes to actually pee and make sure the people that were in there were gone and wouldn't know that it was me my dad was yelling at. I don't know why I was so freaked out by this, or why I still am, but I just feel the need to be really incognito when going to the bathroom.
I am also inexplicably afraid of bathroom monsters that hide in the toilet. Actually, I think I'm just afraid of the toilet. Maybe I should pee in the bushes outside, like this hilarious lady did. But I am almost eighteen so this might not be acceptable for an adult to do. HOLY SHIT I AM NEARLY AN ADULT!!!!!

I also just realized that it's totally irrational for an adult to be afraid of peeing in public or toilet monsters, but I guess that's why it's called an 'irrational fear'.

Anyways, back to toilet monsters. I am retardedly afraid that some monster is going to miraculously emerge from my toilet and will eat me. It may or may not also be a rapist. It doesn't really matter when you're about to be eaten.
Also my bathroom is really yellow. I just thought you should know.

And I didn't mean to make the toilet monster the same color as poop. Oh well. Too late now.

I just hate toilets. I shouldn't because waste needs to be disposed of somehow, but does the toilet really need to look so menacing?!

Oh, I just found out that there are two kinds of toilet phobias.

1. Paruresis - when one is unable to urinate in the presence of other people, usually a public toilet. It can also happen in one's own home, in which the sufferer is "terribly shy" of urinating when someone else is around. People who suffer from this condition are usually unwilling to travel into far places.
2. Parcopresis - when one is unable to defecate in toilets with many people around. The sufferer limits himself to moving his bowels in "safe places," usually his/her own home. In extreme cases, people are known to have given up their jobs because of this disorder.

I guess I go under the first one, but it doesn't explain why I'm positive that I'm going to be murdered by murderous creatures that lurk in the depths of the sewers.

TLDR; I'm scared of peeing in public and have been since I learned to pee, and I think there are monsters in the sewer that will kill me at night.